Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Stand up, sit down, fight fight fight

Comedy Central is conducting its annual Standup Showdown online voting extravaganza through Friday. The top 20 comics will be featured in a standup marathon on Sunday from noon to 10 p.m. You can vote once a day online or you can text an unlimited number of votes.

Who should you vote for? Here, a few of my favorite standups in the showdown (in alphabetical order, with some of their classic lines):

Doug Benson: "Did you hear Britney Spears is getting back together?"

Mike Birbiglia: "Me and my cracker friends were driving down the street in my Volvo station wagon, and I said, 'Hey, cracker, pass the Sunchips.' And he says, 'Not until we get to the picnic, cracker.' And I said, 'Cracker, please.' And he's like, 'Cracker, what?!?' "

Kyle Cease: "The only way they could've made the original Nintendo better is if it worked. You'd be blowing into that thing all day. And only you could fix your own Nintendo."

Jim Gaffigan: "There's no reason to get a Cinnabon. 'Uh, I'm about to get on a plane. How about 8 pounds of cake?' "

Zach Galifianakis: "Did you see that Lifetime movie about that woman?"

Mitch Hedberg: "I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit."

Demetri Martin: "I think Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be a winner and a loser at the same time."

Patton Oswalt: "It was gayer than eight guys blowing nine guys."

Brian Regan: "When I played Little League, all I cared about was getting a free snow cone. ... 'Brian, what's the score?' 'FREE SNOW CONE!' "

The Sklar Brothers: "In every city, there's a classic rock radio station with a show called the Crazy Morning Zoo. That's the most failed premise. When you think about it, zoos are the most fucking controlled environment on the planet."

Nick Swardson: "My cat got sick. She had diarrhea. I took her to the vet, and he asked me, 'What have you been feeding her?' and I said, 'Diarrhea.' "

Daniel Tosh: "Women get plastic surgery to make their outsides match their insides: Fake."

FYI, if you vote for Carlos Mencia, it means we can never be friends.

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